Before docs start you up on what is arguably the most powerful man-made drug, they have to first make sure your body has a chance at withstanding it –– they call it the red devil for a reason.

Biopsies, bloodwork, ultrasounds, scans, more biopsies . . .

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The tumor was growing fast and time wasn’t on my side, and while the word chemo sounded pretty scary, the word living sounded more enticing.

I wasn’t ready to go yet . . . It was time to fight.

I couldn’t go to the gym and work out harder hoping my body would get stronger –– it wasn’t going to. The only thing left to do was prep my mind for when my body got weaker.

I wasn’t entirely sure what I was in for, but I knew this: I was about to enter a boxing match, and I’d be the one inside the ring.

The fight was going to go 13 rounds . . .

I would probably be knocked out every single round but no matter what . . .

no matter what

. . .

I had to get back up. Quitting was not an option.

But how exactly was I going to do this?
I realized I had to sharpen my mind to be better than my opponent’s.

I started the prepping by refining my discipline.

I’ve called upon my Father many times before, but this time I wouldn’t just be calling on Him — I had to be ready for Him to call on me.

Because when God calls upon us, there’s no running. You step into a purpose crafted for HIS design, not yours.

. . . So I started documenting my journey, knowing that God would one day use my testimony. I didn’t know how or when — I just knew.

In the meantime, all I could do was trust and pray.

Discipline + prayer would be my saving grace.

My mother prayed. My husband prayed. My sister prayed. My children prayed. My friends prayed. Strangers prayed. We prayed.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal of God’s upward call in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 3:12-14

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Monday, December 11, 2023: First day of chemotherapy

How does one prep for a date with chemo? Well, if you unfortunately find yourself in this situation, there’s no right answer, but I can tell you what helped me personally.

Find what can take your mind to a place you want to be.

For me, that’s music.

Songs draw me back to people, to moments, to love, to pain, to sadness, to happiness. It’s a teleportation device that helps me escape into whatever place I want to be, and on my first day of chemo, I decided I wanted to escape into Aretha Franklin’s world.

Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you

. . .

I also connected with my nurse Pam, so I requested that she not alternate; I wanted consistency in a time when everything was certain to be inconsistent.

And Pam, if somehow you land on this post, just know you’re more than a nurse –– you’re an important part of my healing journey, and one day I’ll have the words to match the kindness you gave me.

So with Aretha’s soulful verses, Pam’s gentle touch, and my husband’s hand, I survived my first day.

I more than survived, actually.

I felt peace.

Tears never touched my face because sadness never entered my heart. No loathing, no self-pity, no condemnation of any sort –

And as I write this and reflect on that moment, I say this with conviction: prayers work.

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If you found yourself praying for me, thank you. Those prayers are the reason I got to enjoy a beautiful afternoon with my family on December 11th.

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Chemo, Part II . . . coming soon.

With Love,

NZ